One Upping Ronald Reagan

By Matthew Dunn

               

                “The nine scariest words in the English language are I’m from the government and I’m here to help,” said President Ronald Reagan.  This quote pretty much sums up how Republicans have felt about the government since the 1980s.  They have wanted to deregulate, privatize, and lower taxes at any cost.  Since the 1980s they have taken major steps to carry out this mission with a great deal of success.  However, I would argue, that they haven’t taken it far enough.  

                There is still way too much that the government is doing.  One of the things that they have done way too much of, is that they have regulated and taxed everything.  Regulations and taxes are the things that are killing business in the United States.  The government needs to get out of the way and let business do what it does best, make profits.  Like Grover Norquist, I believe that government spending should be where it was before Teddy Roosevelt and all the Socialists took over.  The government is hampering business and we need to liberate business from the government.  However, the current Republicans, who claim to be for smaller government haven’t done enough.  There are some things that they haven’t proposed, which need to start being on the table.  I propose a seven point plan for deregulation and lower taxation to make our economy boom. 

1.       No more taxes on the rich!: I’m sick and tired of people blasting the rich people of this country.  The rich are the job creators and they are our betters.  Rich people today have gotten a very bad rap.  We should be saluting the 1% not bashing them.  These are some of the most oppressed people in the country.  I hear that some of them have to make do with only 3 houses, 4 cars, and only one helicopter.  So in order to elevate the wealthy members of the United States to where they should be I propose ending all taxes on people and businesses who have assets of over one million dollars.  Just think how competitive our country will become in the world economy if we do this.  Wealthy companies and individuals will have so much more disposable income to spend.  Think of all the boats, cars, houses, and servants that they will be able to buy.  Think of all the art museums and symphony performances.  Recently I’ve been watching Downton Abbey, which takes place in England in the early 20^th century.  That was a society that knew how to treat its rich people.  Rich people all had personal servants, huge palaces, and titles that ordinary people had to address them by.  That was a society that knew how to treat its wealthy people.  We need to start having that kind of society in this nation.  A society where if someone wants to get ahead, they better start saluting their betters. 

2.       No more entitlements:  Our government spends way too much on entitlement programs, like social security and medicare.  People should not be entitled to these things.  When the rich people of America stop having to pay oppressive taxes, then there will be plenty of open jobs as their servants.  Then the rich people will take care of their servants, as long as they dedicate their lives to their lords.  And if rich people don’t care for their servants in their old age, well then that’s just too bad.  Don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of jobs in textiles, and we all know old ladies love sewing.  And we’ll have a lot more people with money, thanks to no taxes on the rich, and we can hire old men to patrol the streets yelling at everyone.  Who yells better than old men?

3.       Child Labor Laws:  Children in this country have it way too easy.  This has led to a problem.  In other countries, like India and China, there are no restrictions on child labor.  This has led their economies to become more competitive than our own.  Children will work for almost nothing, they don’t know any better.  When we can start hiring children to work in factories, then the manufacturing jobs will start coming back to the U.S.  I’ve been to other countries and I’ve seen children do a great job of selling things on the street.  American children are so lazy, let’s discipline them with some good old fashioned hard work.  Besides what are they really learning in school anyway?  How to sell drugs?  How to think?  What a waste of time.  In addition to this, we can get the old men to be the slave drivers in the factories, kill two birds with one stone. 

4.       Immigration Reform:  America has way too many illegal immigrants.  So I propose we legalize all of them immediately.  Now I know there is a lot of you out there who are going to oppose this, but hear me out.  What we will do, is completely open our borders to anyone who wants to come and work in this country.  Now to prevent terrorism, we will keep detailed dossiers on every single one of these people.  We can farm this out to Booz, Allen, Hamilton and all kinds of private security companies.  Then we will tax all immigrants who have lived here for less than 25 years 50% of their income.  This will help us pay for military security that we will need to police the country (because remember we can’t tax rich people because they create jobs).  Also the more immigrants we have in this country, the more downward pressure on wages that will be created.  When enough downward pressure on wages happens, then jobs will start coming back to the United States.  Plus think of all the new servants for wealthy people. 

5.       Eliminate National Parks:  We have so much available land in this country, but we don’t use it because it’s protected.  We need to use every bit of land in this country to make it productive. What a waste of space.  Who really gives a crap about some big trees and a big canyon.  Boring! You know what people like casinos!  We can turn Yellowstone into Vegas North.  Wrangell-St Elias National Park in Alaska covers over 32,000 sq kilometers of space.  Just think of how many cell phone towers, shopping malls, and bars we could fit there.  Just think, you can party in Alaska, all day and all day! We need to use every bit of land in this country to make it productive.  Privatize all of the national parks so it can be used for private development.  We could use that land for drilling oil, or building new resorts.  Just think we are going to have more rich people with more money.  Why do we want them going on vacation to other countries?  Keep them here.  Hell, if they stay in the United States we should pay them to go on vacation.  Just think of the great jobs that will pop up in the tourism industry, like carrying bags, personal assistants, and cleaning up rich people’s toilets. 

6.       Workplace Safety and Health Codes:  Workplaces get such a bad rap for being unsafe.  Health inspectors and all those government agencies make us pay a lot in taxes so they can police us.  I’m sick of it.  I don’t need to know if my restaurant food is clean, I can see if it’s clean or not ok.   Besides with all the extra money going around, the well to do will be able to own plantations like in the good old days, and all the food will be freshly prepared.  Plus, if we get rid of the regulations on safety, think of how much more business the healthcare industry can take in.  I’m tired of people being able to sue for anything they please.  These frivolous lawsuits are driving up the costs for all of us.  So the next time sometime slaps your ass at work, just be thankful for the attention sweetheart.

7.       Unions and Collective Bargaining:  These need to be gotten rid of ASAP.  From Twinkees to professional sports, unions have destroyed our sacred American institutions.  Now union busting techniques have been very good for the last 30 years, but it needs to happen faster.  Laws need to be put in place to outlaw unions.  Just think of how attractive we will look to companies all over the world, when they know that people in the United States don’t have a right to organize.  I know what you’re saying, “Don’t people in a free market system have the right to choose if they join a union?”  Forget that.  Workers don’t know what’s good for them.  We all know rich people always make the right decisions.  We need to put our complete faith in them.  Unions like to say that they helped make the weekend possible.  Wrong!  God is responsible for the weekend.  He rested on Saturday for Jews and on Sunday for Christians. 

So there it is.  A seven point plan, to help business succeed in America.  If we help business succeed, I know they will always have all of our best interests at heart.  And if you don’t like the system don’t worry, we will deregulate the drug market, and make it legal to get all kinds of uppers and downers over the counter at your pharmacy.  Regulations requiring cigarettes and alcohol only be sold to people over the age of 21 will also be removed, so all those children who are working can get just as wasted as the working adult.  And if you still don’t enjoy this new America, well then we’ll also deregulate the assisted suicide industry as well.